Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
