I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize