I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
