Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
