i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
