this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
