I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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