saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
