Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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