dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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