god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
