he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
