so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
