This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Someone came in the potted fern
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
