Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
