fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
