guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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