Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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