white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
