In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
