Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
