I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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