On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
