Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
