Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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