wake up i wanna do it froggy style
never play flip cup with pint glasses
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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