i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
