Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
