I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
