anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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