I haven't been this sober since birth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
