I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
