I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
