i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
