I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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