Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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