I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think your dad took our porno
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
