I met the friendliest cop last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize