I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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