seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
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