i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
