Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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