Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize