Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
