I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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