I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
