Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
