New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
