Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
