im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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