She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i believe in u and ur pee
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
