I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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