do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
