mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
