Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
