It was confusing and full of hummus
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
